Kellogg’s and Horatio Magellan: An introduction to a Comparison of Cereal Mascots and the Holy Spirit

At the turn of the year 1863, the first breakfast cereal was created. Granula couldn’t  have guessed what their measly simple cereal would spawn. 40 some odd years later, the Kellogg’s brother would concoct something the world had never seen. In their basement, corroded by corn and heat, they created the perfect duality. Corn, the base of all great American things, and flake, the most recognizable fragment to those with a kindergarten education; these were the two prime ingredients in their devilish creation. They would start their company and mass produce this deceivingly glamorous cereal. But just as a hyena has to get the last TWO laughs in any conversation, they created a frosted version. With their power combined, they blocked any creativity they had and called it Frosted Flakes. The mass media of the early 1900’s was too focused on Polio and prohibition (the PPs) to care about this. They just bought it up with the other slop of the time. This culinary industry had no hero–only mad, non-creative businessmen.

The 1910’s came and with them so did a rival to match the thoughtless player in the cereal industry. The Quakers had a history of creating peace and being role models to the general populace. They saw this uninspired cereal and realized they had to stand up for flavor, pizzazz, and nutrition. So they tossed their hat into the ring and created Puffed rice and Puffed Wheat, and MAN WAS THAT SHIT TRASH; STRAIGHT GARBAGE. The public recognized it as being healthy, but not what they wanted. While the general person of these times was essentially an ape, the mass disgust was understandable.  For forty years this would go on; the holy Quakers were beat down by sugar and other players that would come into the industry.

The 1950s were known for “The Triple Threat”: nuclear drills, nuclear research, and the nuclear family. There was a much bigger villain at large, though. Companies realized that they could attach a level of empathy in their products and they would rake in brand value. With this realization, the mindless dimwits of Kellogg’s took a vacation, just to show how moronic one company could be. In the African Savannah portion of the vacation, an intern noticed a lion. They asked the head of marketing a question about it and he exclaimed “Tony if you ever talk to me again, I will throw you off this jeep and let the tigers have their way”. Tony, being the adamant go-getter his family taught him to be, would not be silenced and was subsequently thrown out of the vehicle. His remains were found two hours later. When Kellogg’s returned from their trip, they had a PR crisis on their hands. The journalists were getting reports of an intern being eaten by a lion, so Kellogg’s decided to act quickly.

They immediately created a new iteration of Frosted Flakes, one with a mascot. This mascot would be known as Tony the Tiger. Kellogg’s stated that the reports were not of an intern being eaten by a monster but leaks of their new iteration. The people at Kellogg’s didn’t know that tigers and lions were two different animals and neither did the average American consumer. Tony the Tiger would become the first large cereal mascot. This figure head reflected the pure lackadaisical workforce of Kellogg’s, a personified animal with no background and sporting only a bandanna.

Meanwhile the Quakers had had enough. They prayed to their pacifist God and offered up maple syrup oatmeal as a sacrifice. In the 1960s He spoke. Quakers created a cereal that was of a recognizable 3D shape, a sphere. This sphere would have the perfect ratio of sugar to surface area, but I digress. There was another much more important aspect of the release. A man created in God’s own image. This man would be the puzzle piece that was missing from the post BC era, also known as AD. In Western stories the magic number has always been three. The Quakers had known the Father, the Son but the Holy Spirit had been a mystery to them, until then.

Horatio Magellan Crunch, the Captain of the S.S. Guppy, was exalted as being the ambassador for the new Quaker cereal, titled Crunch Berries. For branding purposes he’s better known as Cap’n Crunch. According to the Quakers, Horatio was the missing link. He was the inspiration for their breakfast weapon as well as the answer to their most sacred questions. He was the start of a new era in the Quakers circle.

In the next installment of Mascot Comparison, we will go further into the comparison of Kellogg’s Tony the Tiger and Captain Crunch.