To start this series on Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch’s encounters with infamous pirate, counterfeit Cap’n Crunch cereal maker, and jaywalker Jean LaFoote, I figured I would write out Crunch’s very first encounter with LaFoote. While it may not be as crunchtastic as some of the later encounters, it serves as a good exposition to the future conquests.
So without further delay, here is the first known encounter with Jean LaFoote, as told by Crunch himself in his memoirs. This particular story was pulled straight from a captain’s log Crunch kept during his early years as a sailor, and published directly to his memoir:
3rd of March, 1745th year of our Crunch
(*translator’s note: Crunch’s entries are dated so far back because, according to Crunch, he “found the fountain of youth, and will now be as youthful as a Crunchling at his crunch-mitzvah.” We have confirmed this to be true, but that is a story for later.*)
I am writing this after just having defeated the WORST pirate the 7 milky seas have ever seen. Normally, I would not write about such simple encounters, but I feel it would be nice to have down in writing, so I can snicker about it later.
My crew of about… 9 crunchlings, Seadog, and Alfie were out continuing our search of the Crunchibbean Islands in search of new and delicious flavors to experiment with. We were about a league and a half away from a promising looking island, when suddenly the dingiest of dinghies was spotted by Seadog. This dinghy has only one occupant, desperately trying to man the rudder, while also adjusting the sails to compensate for the winds. It was quite the sight!
After the crew and I shared a good 3 minute long laugh at this pathetic sailor’s expense, we realized he had begun to hoist a flag above his puny vessel. However, this was no ordinary flag, nay; this flag was the Crunchy Roger! The flag of privateers and pirates alike who sail the 7 milky seas.
Once the scoundrel flashed his true colors, it quickly got serious. Alfie commanded the crunchling crew to man the cannons. Cannonballs the size of giant crunchberries, and crunchberries the size of regular sized cannonballs were fired at will. Their target? The half-pint sloop of a pirate ship. My crew’s accuracy was not questioned today. With each shot that rang through the blue skies, the sound of crunchberry penetrating wood soon followed.
Sunken in seconds. However, this was not the end of the pathetic pirate, as he was soon seen paddling profusely towards us, pleading for a parley. His persistence paid off, since I am a kind man. Once aboard, he introduced himself as Jean LaFoote. I told him that he was the worst pirate I had ever heard of, to which he quickly retorted back “but you have heard of me.” After this display of hubris, I asked him how he got that name. I will not go into great detail in words as to how he got this name. Instead, I will simply draw a picture of his horribly disfigured foot.
It was at this point, that I was ready to throw this disgusting man off of my ship… until he offered to divulge the location of the fabled cinnamon flavored crunch. LaFoote insisted that the flavor was actually called “cumin.” I knew it was cinnamon, since that is what you would use to flavor something sweet like waffles or cereal. Cumin is a Mexican spice! We were discussing cereal, after all, not chimichangas!
After learning the whereabouts of this legendary flavor, we immediately set course for the its resting place. But not before shooting LaFoote out of our cannon onto a nearby island, so as to get him and his grotesque foot off of The S.S. Guppy. While we were nice enough to spare him, I am sure that that’s the last we will see of Jean LaFoote.
As I write this, we are about 15 leagues away from Cinnamon Atoll, the aptly named island containing the new flavor. I will write more after we confirm the new flavor.
And so concludes the first encounter with Jean LaFoote! If only Crunch knew how wrong he was, when he thought that that would be the last he saw of the podiatrist-needing pirate.