2018: A Crunchy Retrospective

Well, here we are. The year is coming to a close and we all have a chance to look back upon the great — and not so great — things that have happened this year.

And so we all must ask ourselves: where would we be without a little crunch in our lives! Yes, we owe so much to the Captain and the great success he has brought us over the past few months since beginning our journey into verity; since delving into the controversial chasms of the Captain’s curious and mystifying misadventures upon the high seas.

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I, Michael Feinstein VI, PhD, would like to take a moment to recognize those who have made it all possible. So, without further ado, I present to you my thoughts about my compatriots, my fellow crunch-lovers who have made 2018 the best year yet to buy an extra-large box of Oops, All Berries.

Jaime Hames (HAI-mee HAY-mes)

What can I say, you do it all from decoding the secret messages Horatio used to stop the Nazis in the Korean war, to cleaning up the our offices after a night of heavy crunching. I cannot overstate my appreciation.

Let’s take a look at his Top 3™ quotes of 2018:

Number 3 – “…the Kellogg’s brother would concoct something the world had never seen. In their basement, corroded by corn and heat, they created the perfect duality. Corn, the base of all great American things, and flake, the most recognizable fragment to those with a kindergarten education…”

What can I say? I have never read such a heartfelt, brooding historical commentary such as this. It EASILY makes the Top 3™, and may also contend for the prize of most thought-provoking, and satirically cynical anecdote of the century.

Number 2 – “So they tossed their hat into the ring and created Puffed rice and Puffed Wheat, and MAN WAS THAT SHIT TRASH; STRAIGHT GARBAGE.”

Ho ho! Good one, Jaime! Do not forgot, though — keep it clean. Horatio is always watching (though I’m sure he doesn’t mind some friendly jabs at those heathens from General Mills or Kellogg’s).

Number 1 – “So, get to the point. Or. I SWEAR I’m out.”

We here at CrunchFacts LOVE this kind of tenacity and pure emotion. And as we always say: We do not negotiate with terrorists.

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Dmitri Bakskat (dim-E-tree BACK-SCAT)

I said it when we hired him and I’ll say it again. He a lazy, no-good, do nothing employee who has nary lifted a finger since weaseling his way into our good company several months ago. I have no good words to say about you.

If I was your father (thank God I’m not. Ha ha ha!), I would tell you to get a real job, because I’m pretty sure we aren’t paying you.

Steve Binder Esq. (STEVE BIN-DER ES-QWHY-ER)

Steve, Steve, Steve. My good friend. My eternal soulmate. I know we have had our disagreements in the past but we have come too far and worked too hard to let our differences get the better of us. You are an asset to this company and I know that you will continue to give it your all for many decades to come.

You have been one of the top contributors here so I believe you more than deserve…a Top 3™.

Number 3 – “Aujourd’hui, Crunch est mort.”

Simple, insightful, and to the point. That is what you get from Steve Binder. And also French. Even if you can’t understand the language, I think we all understand what he meant.

Number 2 – “…Cap’n Crunch cereal cuts up the roof of one’s mouth…”

This is just an example of taking a quote out of context. Steve was fighting tooth and nail to refute this inauspicious claim. Admirable.

Number 1 – “Doctor Steve Binder, Esquire.”

This man is not a doctor.

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Tatsumi Hiroya ( 博也タツミ)((??????))

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Need I say more?

Chad Goldsmith (CRUN-CHY-THAI-ZEE-MIMIMIMI-CAP-N)

The man, the myth, the legend. The chosen one. The boy who lived. The one ring to rule them all. Highlander, there can be only one.

This man took me in as a wee baby (despite being 24 years my junior), and taught me the word of Crunch. I studied it, day and night, perplexed and distraught at the minutia of information my mind was able to digest on the subject. I became depressed. I quit my job. I divorced my wife. I became a full-time devotee of lord Horatio and Chad Goldsmith was my Moses. He led me into the light when I was at my lowest, and now…I see.

So to you, Chad. I devote this final Top 3.

Number 3 – “Captain Horatio Crunch himself also graced [Super Smash Bros. Ultimate] with his presence, stating that ‘with me in the game, this shit will slap'”

To slap is to ascend in this life, and if anyone slaps, it’s Horatio himself.

Number 2 – “In fact, the first Mayor of Flavortown was Mayor McCheese. However, he was soon impeached after what is now known as “Beefgate,” a scandal about how Mayor McCheese’s burger was actually artificial and not 100% beef.”

Investigative journalism at its finest.

Number 1 – “We here at CrunchFacts are the first to decode Crunch’s writing, with help from his infamous Crunchlings. Proceed with caution; once you read these stories, you will not be able to forget the crunching truth.”

From the post that started it all, our mission statement. Thank you Chad Goldsmith, and thank you Horatio Magellan Crunch.

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Yours,

Michael Feinstein, PhD.

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