During my recent business trip to the wonderful subcontinent of India, I chatted with many locals about current events. And what event is more current than Captain Crunch?
During one of my conversations with a friend I had made, I learned a groundbreaking piece of information that I was not previously aware of: Crunch is more prominent in Hindu mythology and Indian history than I had previously thought. Of course a figure as omniscient and crunchtastic as Horatio will appear in most myths and folklore around the globe(or flat earth??), but the sheer involvement of him spread deeper than I could have possibly imagined.
If you are familiar with Hindu mythology, you know that some of the most important gods are a part of the Trimurti, the trinity of gods that includes Shiva, Brahma, and Vishnu. However, the Trimurti was not originally a trinity, but rather a quadrinity. This quadrinity included, you guessed it, Ph.D LAPD ALT Dr. ThunderCougarFalconBird himself, Horatio Crunch.
As you may know, Hinduism has a god for all things in existence, making it polytheistic religion of countless gods. According to info from my friend, Crunch was the god of Crunchberries, Shcnozberries, cereal, improve comedy, and boats. However, Vishnu and Shiva grew upset at the delicious and not-at-all-roof-of-your-mouth-cutting crunchberries, and sought to reduce Crunch’s monopoly over the crunchberries by removing him from the holy quadrinity.
Vishnu was the brains of the operation, while Shiva was the destroyer. Vishnu went to the source of Crunch’s power: Crunch Island. Shiva destroyed every temple of warship dedicated to Crunch. While Shiva destroyed all of Crunch’s temples, Vishnu redacted all mention of Crunch from all forms of writing, like newspapers and fortune crunchies. Though Vishnu did not perform the redactions by themselves, no instead, they hired US Attorney General William “King of Redactions on the Mueller Report” Barr to do it, as is Barr’s specialty. This would later be used on his resume to get hired onto the Nixon administration, but that is a story for another crunchy day.
Crunch, realized the world was not ready for him yet, and went into hiding, leaving the world waiting for “the second crunchening.”
My young friend left me with these ominous words “if Crunch is truly back, back again, then tell a friend. And have that friend tell two friends, and each of those friends will tell two friends, and so on.”
If you are aware of any other mythological references to Crunch, please contact us!