Measuring the True Properties of Crunch

Many before myself have posed the question “What is Crunch?”, but they never ask “How is Crunch?”. Please excuse my light joke; I am a doctor after all. However, this question is not one that has meaning only in jest. In fact, “How is Crunch?” could be inquiring about the composition of Crunch, rather than its status.

As my (not self-proclaimed, I assure you) legendary thesis was written about a concept of great scale, my current research focuses more on understanding the basic building blocks that make up my theories, which will eventually lead us to the truth of the universe we live in.
I feel that there is no better place to start than to look at what Crunch is chemically made of. While less learned people may suggest that it is a combination of various known substances such as polyunsaturated fats, sodium, and vitamin A, this is merely describing what Crunch appears to be made of to our caveman eyeballs and instruments. In order to truly discern the nature of Crunch, I’ve assembled a team of researchers at the prestigious DeVry University working around the clock (I am legally required to mention that they are unpaid) in order to find new ways to properly analyze and conceptualize Crunch. I will attach a summary of their findings thus far:

As Dr. Sakusaku has informed us that any efforts to measure properties of Crunch with currently existing technology is a futile exercise, we have spent the majority of our time devising new ways to measure the world around us. We were politely asked to remain in a locked room at the university until we could produce something of merit in this regard. Fortunately for us, we were provided with a nearly endless supply of Crunch and milk, so we did not starve to death, however the think tank was proving unsuccessful. This was until one day, we saw a peculiar phenomenon occur within one of our cereal bowls. Several pieces of Crunch autonomously submerged and reemerged within the milk in sequence, completely independent of each other. We eventually discovered it was a variant of Morse Code, and found that we could also manipulate the pieces to send messages, which would receive appropriate responses. This bowl of cereal (henceforth referred to as the Communicruncher), has provided a wealth of information to us, and is the reason we were freed from the room. Our next priority will be research into exactly what this phenomenon is, and whether the entity sending messages could be considered intelligent life. This will hopefully be our first step into developing a way to accurately analyze Crunch.

Attached below is a list of successfully sent messages with their responses, and also an evaluation on whether the response was considered satisfactory.

QuestionResponseEvaluation
“Hello.”“Greetings.”Satisfactory.
“Who are you?” (several hours of no response)

“I am crunchy.”
Unsatisfactory.
“Does a set of all sets contain itself?” “So long as Crunch is an element of the set.” Satisfactory.
“What are you?” “Your conversation partner.” Snarky, but satisfactory.
“Can you describe where you are presently?” “Very white. Seemingly endless. Shall we say…frothy?” Unsatisfactory.
“Do you know of Crunch?” “I’m offended that you would pose such a question. The idea that anyone could be unaware of Crunch only serves to demonstrate that you have not yet realized its full potential. Please refrain from such thoughts in the future.” Satisfactory.
“Is there another way for us to communicate?” “Why would we need another way? Once again your ignorance of Crunch shows through your question. Be very careful how you proceed, least I am forced to educate you on the true implications of Crunch.” Unsatisfactory.
[QUESTION REDACTED] “You are correct, however, you have now displayed your lack of knowledge for a third time. I’m afraid I must take action. Please refrain from further contact initiation.” Very satisfactory.

Following this string of questions, the team has decided to refrain from using the Communicruncher for an indeterminate amount of time. The following weeks will be spent analyzing the responses, as well as searching for a replacement team member after the mysterious disappearance of Member #4, who was the last person to use the Communicruncher.