Crunch and The King

You might be thinking there is something wrong with the title of this post. Probably something along the lines of “But Chad, Crunch IS the king.” You would be right to think so. However, this is not a story of Horatio and his monarch days. No. This is a story of a seaman and a Burger King.

bling burger king
The Burger king at the Met Gala, (2019 colorized).

Crunch and The Burger King go way back. They first met back in Spring, 1973 at the prestigious University of Fenix, where they both graduated with B.S. in Flame Broiling.
While the two shared a major, they didn’t actually have any classes together. Instead, they met at a campus event protesting the Vietnam War. It is common now, but at the time it was unheard of for a naval Cap’n and a royal King to be anti-war.

Crunch did not like to concern himself with the petty squabbles of Man vs. Man. Instead, he preferred the battles of Man vs. Food on the Travel Channel. He found a like-minded ally with the King at this campus event, where the two coined numerous famous anti-war phrases including: “have it your way (unless you’re Vietnamese)” and “Home of the Napalm.”

burger king war protestor
The Burger King seen performing “War is Lies, Lies, Chicken Fries,” one of his famous anti-war ballads (1973, colorized).

There friendship started in anti-war protests, but where the two truly bonded was in the culinary arts. In fact, The King sought advice from Crunch on what 11 herbs and spices he should use in his first experimental dish (which would later be known as the Whopper). Crunch’s knowledge in flame broiling and The King’s skill in fry cookery made for a dynamic duo, and they decided to have multiple fundraisers by selling their meats at Sunday tailgates. The funds they raised went right back into the anti-war protests, which is said to be the direct reason the US pulled out of Vietnam. In fact, this was the first known usage of the pull-out method, known to be 100% effective.

Many years down the road, The King, taking the advice of former presidential candidate Mitt Romney, borrowed a small loan of $20,000 USD from the Cap’n, and opened his first restaurant.

sneak king master of stealth
The King can be seen here, acquiring more money for his loans through various sneaky methods such as pickpocketing and the art of deception.

 

As the King could whip up a burger better than any Dave Thomas, Mickey D, or Carl Jr, he decided to call his restaurant Burger King. Crunch and The King even collabed, becoming masters of both ante meridiem and post meridiem dining.

crunchberries flavor box old
Here is an example of one of the many partnerships that Crunch and the Burger King had, with a coupon for free french fries with the purchase of a hamburger and soft drink shown above. (Author’s note: WHAT A DEAL!!)

The King and Crunch still meat (pun intended) once a year for the annual Bowling/Crunchling Hurling Grand Prix, and they remain the best of friends. Who knows? Maybe one day The King will make an appearance on an episode of The Cap’n Crunch Show? Stay tuned to find out!