Crunchy Answer #5: Fifty Shades of Crunchberry

Are you ready for a gripping tale of lust, desire, eroticism, and workplace friendly romance? Well then get ready for this next Crunch AnswerTM to a fantastic Crunchy Question!*

*Crunchy Question quality control filtering algorithm patent pending*

Hi I’m Sam, brother of Nathan and friend of Sydney who asked the question regarding the good captian’s pets. They introduced me to this wonderful scientific endeavor. In my research into your archives I’ve come across Magnolia Bulkhead and I have to know, does the Captain harbor any feelings for her? Has he been in a relationship before?

Before answering this crunchtastical question, it is worth noting that Horatio has never once written about any of his (assumedly many) conquests in any of his memoirs, diaries, or cave drawings. I imagine he is not a man to Crunch and tell, if you catch my drift.

With that being said, it is up to us to make inferences based on long gaps between entries and to compare data and records with the diaries of the other crew members of the Guppy. As Seadog is a dog, our translators are still hard at work at deciphering the meanings in his diaries, so he is out of the question. The children are too young and pure (except for Dave) to have written about, or even noticed, any hanky panky committed by the captain of the vessel, and Crunchberry Beast is illiterate, which just leaves us with Smedley and Bertha (aka Magnolia Bulkhead).

Dave cannot be trusted!

As Smedley is an elephant, and therefore will always mean what he said and say what he meant, an elephant’s faith is 100%, he is a very trustworthy source. In fact, about half of the information in this answer comes straight from the elephant’s mouth.

Which leaves us with Bertha. As the only other adult on the ship, it can be easy to assume that Horatio did have sexual relations with that woman, Magnolia Bulkhead.

Picture unrelated

As we can see from Bertha’s limited edition trading card pictured below, she considers her “Greatest Adventure” to be “almost marrying Capn and having him all to myself” as well as the possible innuendo of “daydreaming of Cap’n Crunch and his delicious cereal.” I too am curious about the Cap’n’s “cereal.”

According to Smedley’s private journal, there are reports of a “round, human-like figure at about 5’10 entering the Cap’n’s quarters late at night, thrice-a-week for 3 months.” Whether this round figure is Bertha, it is impossible to say for sure. However, we cross-referenced these three months with Horatio and Bertha’s own private journals, and found a bit of coincidental overlap.

In Horatio’s case, he often neglects his writing due to a “pleasantly plump distraction.” We had, up until this point, just assumed that he was referring to a particularly large crunchberry. We have our doubts now. Bertha/Magnolia’s diaries were even more vague, with the pages being filled with not words, hundreds of less-than signs “<” and the number 3. What the meaning of this odd combination of symbols in a non-mathematic context is, unfortunately no one can say.

What you, the reader, may be asking yourself now is “What happened after those 3 months?” Good question reader! Again, this is only conjecture, but it seems that Horatio and Magnolia had a minor falling out when Horatio discovered Magnolia’s past vocation before joining the crew of the Guppy.

Bertha’s former occupation, according to her curriculum vitae.

Yes, that’s right. Bertha worked as the one and only Bertha in the infamous arcade game “FEED BIG BERTHA.” In fact, it is because of the shame of her former career that she appears to have undergone a name change, and can be seen going by the name Magnolia Bulkhead, as is written on her collector’s edition trading card. This may also explain her round, plump figure. Out of respect for Bertha/Magnolia Bulkhead, we will discuss this matter no further.

To return to the conclusion of the story, it seems Horatio was able to graciously overlook Magnolia’s past, as Horatio of all people knows that everyone has a shady past. It is what you do in the present that counts. And it seems like Horatio was enjoying what Magnolia was doing in the present.

Sadly, however, the story ends here, as no further trace of interaction between the two beyond the typical naval adventures has been found. However, we are not even 10% of the way done with translating all of Crunch’s recently declassified memoirs, so we will be sure to keep you, our dedicated followers, updated with the sure-to-be-juicy climax to this story.

Thank you for your question, Sam, brother of Nathan and friend of Sydney, and please ask another one soon!

If you have any other Crunchy Questions, please send them to us at the link on this text.

Until next time,

Chad “The love below” Goldsmith