Editorial: Response to “Captain Crunch is an IMPOSTOR!”

I must preface this off by saying that this response does not reflect the views of all of us at CrunchFacts, and this is just an opinion piece by me, Dr. Chad Goldsmith. Now with that out of the way, let’s get started.

A YouTube (video hosting website, quite hip amongst the young children) video was recently brought to my attention. It was titled “Food Theory: Captain Crunch is an IMPOSTOR! (Cap’n Crunch Cereal).” The title alone is enough to make a crunchling turn red (provided it isn’t already a red crunchling). Despite how repulsed I was, I decided for the sake of journalistic integrity that it was necessary to see what all the metaphorical hubbub was about.

The awful YouTube video I will be referencing in today’s editorial.

The video starts by introducing Crunch. There aren’t any glaring errors here, which was initially reassuring. However this is where the video turns from fact to fiction. We are delivered a thesis claiming that our beloved Horatio could very well be a “con artist, liar, thief, and murderer!” These are bold claims to make without any evidence, and that is unfortunately exactly what they did.

The claims in question. We can clearly see that Crunch’s body has been edited (rather poorly) over the bodies of four completely different people! The people don’t even seem like real people, mind you!

It was at this point that I audibly scoffed, startling my Crunchtributor colleagues around me. Fortunately I wear a mask, and thus my scoff was not able to transmit anything negative, which is more than I can say fort this YouTube video.

One of the three points made in this video is that Crunch has committed “stolen valor” which is, according to my favorite source on the internet Wikipedia, a law that “amends the federal criminal code to make it a crime for a person to claim they have served in the military, embellish their rank or fraudulently claim having received a valor award specified in the Act, with the intention of obtaining money, property, or other tangible benefit by convincing another that he or she received the award.” The claims are that Crunch is not a captain, but rather a commander. CrunchFacts’ own Steve Binder talks more about this claim here in our first ever Crunchy Answer.

To add to my friend Steve’s defense of Crunch, Horatio has also never claimed to be a member of the U.S. Navy, therefore nulling and voiding any and all claims of “stolen valor” as they would not in fact apply to him. Case closed. Done. Court adjourned. Objection. Double Jeopardy. Boom roasted.

The second and third claims relate to Seadog and Jean LaFoote, and their recent disappearance from the social network known as Twitter, named after the canary from The Looney Tunes.

The bird in question.

The video claims that since Seadog and Jean LaFoote have been inactive (specifically LaFoote being inactive after a failed attempt at stealing Crunch’s secret formula where he was bitten in the leg by Seadog and then fell overboard into the ocean below) on the social networking site, and have therefore been murdered. No further explanation given.

Well I can easily disprove both of these accusations with one bit of evidence: The Cap’n Crunch Show. Cap’n’s late night show has Seadog working as co-host/producer/showrunner. These episodes were filmed AFTER Seadog’s most recent tweets. Therefore Seadog is, obviously, safe and sound. As for why he hasn’t been posting, we actually contacted Seadog himself. First via email, which he did not reply to, then via carrier pigeon (his preferred method of contact).

The pigeon we used to deliver the letter to Seadog. Fun fact: carrier pigeons were a common method of communication used by soldiers during World War 1. The method’s inventor, you ask? I’m sure you can do the math.

We were initially surprised not to get an email back from Seadog, as he is usually very prompt with his replies. We soon realized the reason why: Seadog had dropped his iPhone 4s off of the S.S. Guppy and into the Milky Sea below, thus obliterating the phone’s hardware, rendering email and Twitter unusable. He apologized for worrying his fans, but wishes people would stop spreading rumors as why he has been radio silent.

As for LaFoote, his whereabouts can also be solved by watching episode 4 of The Cap’n Crunch Show, which we will be posting right here on CrunchFacts very soon!

If that isn’t enough evidence, then have a bonus picture of the back of a Crunch cereal box that features pictures of LaFoote and Seadog from the 2018th year of our Crunch, three years AFTER the incident Food Theorists talk about.

Can you find all of the crew’s names?

I believe I have done MORE than enough to prove my case. Though, of course, the burden of proof lies with those making the claims, and it seems that these “Food Theorists” couldn’t be burdened to come up with any more “proof.”

Chad Goldsmith, crunching off.