About the Crunchtributors

 

Project Lead: Chad Goldsmith (aka crunchatizemecaptain)

Dr. Chad Goldsmith. Former Quaker employee, truth seeker. PhD of Microcrunchology from DeVry University. Masters and B.S./B.A. in Journalism from UCLA.
Spent five years observing the crunchlings of Crunch Island. Survey enthusiast.

“I first gained my interest in Crunchology during my time abroad in Southeast-Asia. On one holiday to a coastal village in Cambodia, I found a fisherman who claimed to frequently sail the mythical Sea of Milk. There, he took me to Crunch Island, where I was able to observe the crunchling inhabitants firsthand. From viewing their daily acrobatic trials to their skateboarding exhibitions, I quickly became enamored with them. I pursued my doctorate from the prestigious DeVry University in Microcrunchology, to further study their behavior, and find out what makes them tick. It was at this time, that I was led to Cpt. Horatio Magellan Crunch.”  – Chad Goldsmith

Project Crunchtributor: Michael Feinstein (aka MichaelFeinstein)

Prof. Michael Feinstein is a current professor of law at Wake County Technical Institute in North Carolina. Ten years of law practice under the Binder and Binder Law Associates. Responsible for obtaining legal rights to Crunch’s memoirs.

“Hello. I do not like wasting time and effort so I will get straight to the point. I am a Harvard Law graduate with 3 minors in Philosophy, Egyptian History, and Auctioneering. I contribute to this blog because I believe in its cause and wish to spread the truth, the facts, and any deep thoughts I may have on the subject matter.” -Michael Feinstein

When asked about his thoughts on obtaining the legal rights to the memoirs of Captain Crunch:

“At first, it wasn’t about the crunch berries… it was merely about the dream. The milky, milky dream of uncovering the secrets hidden in the Captain’s writings. But when I found out the prize that came with it… well the rest was history.” – Micheal Feinstein

Project Crunchtributor: Jaime Hames (aka captainjaime)

Janitor by day, janitor by night. Author of the Pulitzer Prize winning novel titled “Crunch or no Crunch, I’m going Swimming,” Jaime Hames is the mind behind the decoding of Crunch’s writings. Outspoken corn, roast beef, and potato on pizza supporter. Declined full-ride to Yale to pursue a self-study in the Janitorial Arts and decoding.

“Crunch is more than just a man, he is a way of life. ‘Living like Crunchy’ is how I’ve managed to obtain success as a janitor and author. I truly believe that Crunch Island is the eighth wonder of the modern world, and I will set out to prove it. Just eat one box of his cereal in one sitting, and you will see how I became so interested in this adventure.” – Jaime Hames

Project Crunchtributor: Steve Binder (aka Steve Binder Esq. )

Steve Binder is the mind behind Binder and Binder Law Associates. It was there that he met (and hired) lifelong friend Michael Feinstein. Steve Binder is the crunch-of-all-trades in this project–From being able to speak Crunchling, to perfecting over 95% of Crunch’s secret recipes, Binder’s knowledge has been key to the overwhelming success of this study.

“Jumba hrumba ki, tygo nit bahn. This means ‘knowledge is not without consequence’ when translated from Crunchling. Having traveled the world in my youth, visiting continental breakfasts in Best Westerns and Super 8s around the world, I have been able to perfect the recipes of the legendary Captain H. M. Crunch. When Dr. Goldsmith and Professor Feinstein asked me for help in spreading the knowledge of the memoirs, I immediately said “ibin shtafen” – Crunchling for “crunch yes.'” – Steve Binder

Lead Researcher of Crunchology: Shakipari Sakusaku Cr.D (Doctor of Crunch)

Dr. Shakipari Sakusaku is the founder of and leading expert on the still young scientific field of Crunchology and all derivative branches of the study of Crunch (Crunchography, Crunchemistry, Crunchtronomy, and Crunchmotology to name a few). He caused major wakes in the scientific community with his doctoral thesis entitled “The Correlation Between Milky Bowls of Crunch and the Milky Way Galaxy”, where he proposed a new multiverse theory that suggests Crunch as we know it may create new celestial bodies within bowls of milk that it is poured into. Whether or not our own galaxy is in fact a creation of Crunch is currently undergoing research, but the name “Milky Way” alone could offer substantial insight into the truth of the matter.

“I truly think that the secrets of the universe lie within Crunch. The mysterious dark energy that exerts its unseen force on planets may simply be an imperceivable spoon, cosmic strings may in fact be nearly dissolved chunks of Crunch, the edge of the observable universe could be the edge of the bowl! The list goes on and on. If it is in fact true that we are simply a tiny construct within an incomprehensibly colossal bowl of cereal, then I can only hope that the one who poured us into existence is the good Captain Horatio.” – Dr. Sakusaku.

Japanese Correspondent: Tatsumi Hiroya (博也タツミ)

Tatsumi Hiroya is the Crunch correspondent in Japan. He is responsible for the Japanese translations of Crunch’s memoirs, and also for writing pieces about Crunch in Japanese. He is a professor of Journalism in Nagoya, at Aichi prefecture’s most prestigious university: Nanzan University. Tatsumi’s favorite flavor of Kara-age-kun, is of course, Red.

「子供の時、クランチのシリアルを始めていただきました。即座にクランチ様のことに興味がありました。今、プロミネンスポーカーをしていない時に、クランチ様について研究しております。よろしくお願いいたします。」ー博也タツミ

Project Intern: Dmitri Bakskät

Current double major in Archaeology and Tommy Wiseau-ian studies at the University of Wooster, Dmitri Bakskät is the project intern here at Crunchfacts. Bakskät’s duties include, but are not limited to, fact-checking, MLA citations, tending to Feinstein’s bunions, Ivan Dorin impersonations, soft-smash paddle upkeep, and our monthly “koala karwash.”

“Mr. Goldsmith took me under his wing after rescuing me from the infamous ‘Theater Thug.’ He blessed me with this job here as an unpaid intern, and like he always says ‘who needs money when you have crunchberries.’ The only problem with getting paid in cereal, is that these crunchberries are making me thirsty! It seems so long since I’ve had the drink of my people: milk with ice…” ( [note from Steve Binder] rest of interview ommitted due to Dmitri’s incessant ramblings ) – Dmitri Bakskät

Advertisements