New Year’s Cruncholutions: 2019

2019 (or クランチ 1, as reported to us by my dear friend Tatsumi) is upon us all, and we at CrunchFacts have decided to crunchatize our New Year’s resolutions. I have interviewed all of our staff, and you can read about our individual resolutions below. CrunchFacts itself also has a few surprises in store for 2019.…

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平成の次の年号は?

今年は平成30年ですが、今年は平成の最後ですよ。なので、みんなが「ええ、次の年号は何?」ってことよく言っていますね。いつも、首相(あべさん)が新しい年号を発表するんですね?でも、今回はちょっと違います。 最近、私は天皇様と個人的に会えました。実は、天皇様の娘さんと私の息子が付き合っているんですから、お見合いのために、一緒に会って話しました。色々な話できました。フォーとナイトから、Area 51まで、何でも話しました。すごく啓発でした!特に、クランチ様の話でした。 ちょっと秘密なんですけど、天皇様がクランチ様の大ファンです!聞いてびっくりしっちゃったんですけど、嬉しかったです!毎朝、天皇様がクランチベリーズを召し上がって、Captain Crunch’s Crunchling Adventureをなさいます。本当に素敵な天皇様ですね。 クランチ様について話していた間に、天皇様から秘密を教えてもらいました。次の年号の名前を教えてもらいました!天皇様によると、新しい年号の名前、毎日考えていらっしゃいました。ある日、朝食召し上がっていた時に、突然、名前が来ました。 クランチ! ーですから、平成がおわってから、クランチ1が始まります!本当にすごい年号だと思っています。 じゃあ、また来年ですね!  

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Fourth Day of Advent: Advice

It was by no error on our behalves that the third day of accelerated advent was skipped. Though the reasons for this are manifold, I would like to fill you in as to why: to allow our beloved readers to enjoy what we recommended on the second day of accelerated advent: time spent with your…

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Remember — No Crunchling

Crunch, crunch never changes. We are fighting for our lives on the front line every single day and those bastards on Wall Street are pouring more and more money into Kellogg’s. Well, I say no more. Tonight, we make a stand. Tonight we show that we are not to be trifled with. Tonight, we dine…

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A Very Crunchy Advent Calendar 2: Attack of the Crunch

Pardon my title, fellow Crunchmas celebrators! Just the other night, before turning in for a very crunchy slumber, I saw it fit to watch George Lucrunch’s Crunch Wars Episode II: Attack of the Crunch. Anakin Skycruncher: I don’t like sand. It’s coarse, and rough, and irritating, and it gets everywhere. Today, on this second day…

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Whose Crunch Is It Anyway?

“Hello and welcome to the site where everything is made up and the facts don’t matter” —— is what I would say if that were the case. But, as you can clearly see, this is all very real. I’ve spent the last few weeks reviewing my colleague Jaime’s translations of Crunch’s memoirs, and I finally…

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A Very Crunchy Advent Calendar

Season’s Greetings, and a very early Merry Crunchmas to you all! Preparatory to the most esteemed time of the year, it is a tradition of the Crunch Facts team to do a little bit of an advent calendar. Though the fibers of our being unwind and unravel at each seam, bursting in anticipatory welcome to…

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2018: A Crunchy Retrospective

Well, here we are. The year is coming to a close and we all have a chance to look back upon the great — and not so great — things that have happened this year. And so we all must ask ourselves: where would we be without a little crunch in our lives! Yes, we…

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Super Crunch Brothers Review

With the release of the 5th installment of the hit game “Super Smash Bros,” it seems almost every personality from all edges of the world got an invite to the brawl. Figures such as Mario the Ph.D plumber, Sonic the blue blur, Pac-Man the devourer of worlds, the princess of Hyrule (original capital of Constantinople)…

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Jean LaFoote Encounters: The Beginning

To start this series on Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch’s encounters with infamous pirate, counterfeit Cap’n Crunch cereal maker, and jaywalker Jean LaFoote, I figured I would write out Crunch’s very first encounter with LaFoote. While it may not be as crunchtastic as some of the later encounters, it serves as a good exposition to the future…

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