Horatio Magellan Crunch was born on March 11th, 1943. Born on Crunch Island in the Sea of Milk – a magical place with talking trees, crazy creatures and a whole mountain (Mt. Crunchmore) made out of mysterious cereal.
His island was the target of one of the many secret bombings led by the United States during World War II. During one of the bombings, Crunch’s parents were killed and Crunch was orphaned. The young orphan was then adopted by a passing sailor from the US Navy, who was scouting the damage on Crunch island (this sailor’s likeness would later be sculpted into Mt. Crunchmore). That sailor, was none other than John F. Kennedy.
Kennedy taught Crunch everything he knew, from sailing to chess, Crunch’s favorite game of wits. Kennedy also instilled his firm belief of knowing all of the presidential names by heart. Crunch’s favorite is of course James Buchanan. Kennedy also encouraged Crunch to learn the names of all of the founding fathers. It was at this time that Crunch would learn the name of his greatest adversary: Benjamin Franklin.
Crunch inherited the legendary ship Guppy from his adopted father, and sailed it for all of his voyages.
Crunch is infamously good at chess, with a staggering win/loss record of 369 wins and 7 losses.
It is no secret that the good captain was a prodigal genius. When taking Buzzfeed’s widely respected IQ test, Crunch made perfect marks with a 200.