First CrunchFacts T-shirts are here!

Ahoy mateys! Chad Goldsmith here with big news! The first batch of CrunchFacts t-shirts are finally ready, handwoven by Horatio Crunch’s trusted crunchling worksman, Clutumnus. Crunch designed these shirts specifically to honor his beloved coworkers, back from his improv days. You can find the shirts, as well as other goods such as canvas paintings (hand-painted…

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New Year’s Cruncholutions: 2019

2019 (or クランチ 1, as reported to us by my dear friend Tatsumi) is upon us all, and we at CrunchFacts have decided to crunchatize our New Year’s resolutions. I have interviewed all of our staff, and you can read about our individual resolutions below. CrunchFacts itself also has a few surprises in store for 2019.…

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平成の次の年号は?

今年は平成30年ですが、今年は平成の最後ですよ。なので、みんなが「ええ、次の年号は何?」ってことよく言っていますね。いつも、首相(あべさん)が新しい年号を発表するんですね?でも、今回はちょっと違います。 最近、私は天皇様と個人的に会えました。実は、天皇様の娘さんと私の息子が付き合っているんですから、お見合いのために、一緒に会って話しました。色々な話できました。フォーとナイトから、Area 51まで、何でも話しました。すごく啓発でした!特に、クランチ様の話でした。 ちょっと秘密なんですけど、天皇様がクランチ様の大ファンです!聞いてびっくりしっちゃったんですけど、嬉しかったです!毎朝、天皇様がクランチベリーズを召し上がって、Captain Crunch’s Crunchling Adventureをなさいます。本当に素敵な天皇様ですね。 クランチ様について話していた間に、天皇様から秘密を教えてもらいました。次の年号の名前を教えてもらいました!天皇様によると、新しい年号の名前、毎日考えていらっしゃいました。ある日、朝食召し上がっていた時に、突然、名前が来ました。 クランチ! ーですから、平成がおわってから、クランチ1が始まります!本当にすごい年号だと思っています。 じゃあ、また来年ですね!  

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2018: A Crunchy Retrospective

Well, here we are. The year is coming to a close and we all have a chance to look back upon the great — and not so great — things that have happened this year. And so we all must ask ourselves: where would we be without a little crunch in our lives! Yes, we…

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Super Crunch Brothers Review

With the release of the 5th installment of the hit game “Super Smash Bros,” it seems almost every personality from all edges of the world got an invite to the brawl. Figures such as Mario the Ph.D plumber, Sonic the blue blur, Pac-Man the devourer of worlds, the princess of Hyrule (original capital of Constantinople)…

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In Sickness and in Health

It would appear as though I have fallen sick: my throat prickles, as though perforated by cactus spines; my eye-sockets throb, and feel impressed upon; my body, simply put, is failing me. I would worry you not, most esteemed reader – I will most certainly recover from that which ails me. The cause for my…

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Horatiatic Jestings

As has been made clear by the posts of my great friend and peer who shall remain nameless, the accurate interpretation of Horatio’s existential verities eludes even those who have been blessed with the brightest of minds! It would seem that our humble outlet of information has been plagued, transforming it into a cesspool of…

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The Death of Crunch (cont’d.)

When there is a death in the family, and all has been prepared for their departure, the deceased is more alive than they ever were when alive; that there even exists such a ritual sendoff (be it by way of funeral, cremation, alkaline hydrolysis–the list goes on) lends credence to a notion of mine–that, in…

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Mayor Crunch?

Further inspection of our Crunch memoirs has revealed that the good Captain once held political office. Not only that, but he held one of the more prestigious offices in the world: Mayor of Flavortown, USA. Normally, people associate celebrity food critic and chef Guy Fieri as the Mayor of Flavortown, but that has not always…

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Eucharistic Horatiatic Postmortem Impermanence

Captain Crunch exists. This is my final stand, both against myself and those around me who would think me as covetously grasping to a fiction. So quick to jump to conclusions, people are; and yet, even in the face of finite, categorical, epistemologically unchallengeable outcomes, people can deny the truth. My friends and colleagues have…

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