New Year’s Cruncholutions: 2019

2019 (or クランチ 1, as reported to us by my dear friend Tatsumi) is upon us all, and we at CrunchFacts have decided to crunchatize our New Year’s resolutions. I have interviewed all of our staff, and you can read about our individual resolutions below. CrunchFacts itself also has a few surprises in store for 2019.…

Read More

2018: A Crunchy Retrospective

Well, here we are. The year is coming to a close and we all have a chance to look back upon the great — and not so great — things that have happened this year. And so we all must ask ourselves: where would we be without a little crunch in our lives! Yes, we…

Read More

Eucharistic Horatiatic Postmortem Impermanence

Captain Crunch exists. This is my final stand, both against myself and those around me who would think me as covetously grasping to a fiction. So quick to jump to conclusions, people are; and yet, even in the face of finite, categorical, epistemologically unchallengeable outcomes, people can deny the truth. My friends and colleagues have…

Read More

“Cap’n Crunch’s Crunchling Adventure” Review

The year was 1999. The Captain released a video game as a surprise inside his special Cap’n Crunch cereal for children all across the Crunch-o-sphere. However, it wasn’t until later that the game’s true purpose was realized. Much like World War II’s Bletchley codebreakers were found using crossword puzzles in British newspapers, Crunch sought gifted Crunchling…

Read More

Kellogg’s and Horatio Magellan: An introduction to a Comparison of Cereal Mascots and the Holy Spirit

At the turn of the year 1863, the first breakfast cereal was created. Granula couldn’t  have guessed what their measly simple cereal would spawn. 40 some odd years later, the Kellogg’s brother would concoct something the world had never seen. In their basement, corroded by corn and heat, they created the perfect duality. Corn, the…

Read More

Why Do We Take the “Truth” as Fact? (Franklin vs. Crunch)

Few men have had the wherewithal to lead the formation of a country with very little promise or prospect.  In the same vein, the life of a navy admiral–while woeful and lonely–can also up-heave men to the highest clutches of fame and glory due to the arduous, painstaking dedication required. It has been purported many…

Read More

Ontological Horatiatic Musings

I would advise the faint of heart to turn away now—I would rather not induce a heart attack in you, my beloved reader base. For those with thicker arterial walls and not an inkling of tachycardia, I have a bold assumption to make: Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch is not real. Certainly, he exists a la…

Read More

Captain Crunch for Lunch

Data from insights and analytics company InfoScout places the average Cap N Crunch consumer from 2014-2015 as “generally lower income, African American, and upper middle age” (Quaker Cap N Crunch Consumer Insights and Demographics) individuals. I would be remiss to not also point out that a majority of all boxes purchased were bought on Sundays…

Read More