i’ve found the truth!

I’ve found it out! Captain Crunch, you delectable lout! Beloved colonizer of the Isle of Crunch Crunchlings you herded, gathered in a bunch! Compressed and compacted, squeezed and extruded To create golden corn and oat squares, beautiful and fluted! Oh what a show! How could I have ever been so low? So as to doubt…

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The Death of Crunch (cont’d.)

When there is a death in the family, and all has been prepared for their departure, the deceased is more alive than they ever were when alive; that there even exists such a ritual sendoff (be it by way of funeral, cremation, alkaline hydrolysis–the list goes on) lends credence to a notion of mine–that, in…

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Eucharistic Horatiatic Postmortem Impermanence

Captain Crunch exists. This is my final stand, both against myself and those around me who would think me as covetously grasping to a fiction. So quick to jump to conclusions, people are; and yet, even in the face of finite, categorical, epistemologically unchallengeable outcomes, people can deny the truth. My friends and colleagues have…

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Experimenting With Crunch

I write this brief post to inform our beloved reader base of a new innovation in the Captain Crunch Colloquium (CCC): Captain Crunch Cereal in pickle brine. Hear me out for a second, my most certainly now-disgusted reader–You would be remiss to click away from this post now before trying this combination. As my grandmother…

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You Are Being Lied To.

It has recently been brought to my attention that lies are being spread about what we represent and how we choose to portray ourselves as an independent information entity.  I apologize for any rash language or unsightly overtones in this update; I am simply livid. We stand for nothing short of the entire truth and…

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Kellogg’s and Horatio Magellan: An introduction to a Comparison of Cereal Mascots and the Holy Spirit

At the turn of the year 1863, the first breakfast cereal was created. Granula couldn’t  have guessed what their measly simple cereal would spawn. 40 some odd years later, the Kellogg’s brother would concoct something the world had never seen. In their basement, corroded by corn and heat, they created the perfect duality. Corn, the…

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クランチ様:将棋チャンピオン

カナダの将棋チャンピオンシップ 2011年、ホレーシオ・クランチ様が将棋の世界チャンピオンになりました。チャンピオンの試合の相手はベンジャミン・フランクリンさんでした。クランチ様が7分にフランクリンさんを倒しました。新しいワルドレコードでした! もちろんフランクリンさんが天才のに、クランチ様の方が強くて、IQが200点で、イケメンだから、フランクリンさんが負けました。試合の後で、フランクリンさんの精神が墓に戻って行きました。 今、クランチ様が将棋のやり方を教えています。一時間は10万円(1,000USD)です。毎日、私に教えていただきます。ぜひ、レッスンをとってください! 今までも、誰でもクランチ様を倒せません。今年の試合はクランチ様VS.シェフゴードン・ラムゼイです。 ぜひ、楽しんで見てください! -博也タツミ

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Why Do We Take the “Truth” as Fact? (Franklin vs. Crunch)

Few men have had the wherewithal to lead the formation of a country with very little promise or prospect.  In the same vein, the life of a navy admiral–while woeful and lonely–can also up-heave men to the highest clutches of fame and glory due to the arduous, painstaking dedication required. It has been purported many…

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Ontological Horatiatic Musings

I would advise the faint of heart to turn away now—I would rather not induce a heart attack in you, my beloved reader base. For those with thicker arterial walls and not an inkling of tachycardia, I have a bold assumption to make: Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch is not real. Certainly, he exists a la…

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Captain Crunch for Lunch

Data from insights and analytics company InfoScout places the average Cap N Crunch consumer from 2014-2015 as “generally lower income, African American, and upper middle age” (Quaker Cap N Crunch Consumer Insights and Demographics) individuals. I would be remiss to not also point out that a majority of all boxes purchased were bought on Sundays…

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